Wicked Chops Poker
Since this is the February issue of BLUFF Magazine we were going write the standard “Things We Love About Poker” or “Hottest Girls in Poker” column. But then a strange thing happened. While racking our brains trying to think of something new to say that we haven’t said before, and thusly prognosticating by fl ipping through channels, a horrible thing happened: we caught a few seconds of High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story.
This brought back unfond memories of a few years ago when a similar thing happened, except we caught High Roller at the beginning and ninety minutes of our lives were completely fl ushed down the toilet.
Remember back in 2003 when some fans sued Creed because they sucked so bad at a concert in Chicago? We considered similar action against the producers of High Roller at the time. At a minimum, the producers could’ve at least put a disclaimer at the beginning of the movie like:
WARNING: This movie turned out bad. Really bad. We didn’t want it to, but sometimes it happens. There are literally no redeeming qualities in this movie. Please be advised that by watching this movie you are effectively throwing ninety minutes of your life out the window.
The good news (for you) is that High Roller reminded us that we conducted a poll a few months back that we completely forgot about asking our readers to list the worst poker movies. So now we have an excuse to revisit that list, ranking poker movies from worst to best. Unfortunately almost every movie mentioned in this list should have the above disclaimer attached to it. Poker movies are like karate movies… there is one transcendently good one, and the rest suck. Without further ado and with apologies to PokerRoad, here are the seven best (and worst) in pokertainment. (Please note any movie made before we were able to shuffl e cards will not make this list. Sorry Cincinnati Kid.)
7. Lucky You (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: 29%)
This movie technically actually isn’t the absolute worst of the bunch. But it is going to rank the lowest because the people involved should’ve made it much better. movie’s director, Curtis Hanson, helmed Confi dential. Eric Bana played a bad-ass Mossad agent in Munich. Drew Barrymore has never really made an outright stinker in her adult life. Plus, the poker advisers on the movie, like Doyle Brunson, should’ve brought a level of authenticity to the games. Considering all of that, how did this pile of [poop] happen? Bonus points to Lucky You for having the most improbable ending in almost any movie we’ve ever seen.
6. High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: not available)
The should’ve just tag-lined this movie: “Stu Ungar wasted his entire life. So why not waste just ninety minutes of yours…” and moved on.
5. Deal (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: 0%)
Starring Shannon Elizabeth and Burt Reynolds, Deal scored exactly a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes critics’ meter. That means out of thirty or so critics that reviewed the movie, exactly none of them liked it. This is almost a miracle, as even The Adventures of Pluto Nash received a 6%, and that’s considered one of the worst movies EVER made. No point in writing about the plot, just know that 2005 WSOP fi nal table-ist Scott Lazar produced it (errrr) and that it involves a young kid, a grizzled vet, and a hot girl (Shannon Elizabeth) who lives in Vegas. You’ve probably fi gured out the rest already.
4. Run (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: not available)
Not many have heard of this one, and for good reason. It actually stars Patrick Dempsey (post-Loverboy, pre-McDreamy) and Kelly Preston (post-Twins, pre-fake marriage to John Travolta). Much like having Scott Lazar on as your producer, anytime somebody describes a movie as a “bargain basement version” of another fl ick, as Roger Ebert did in his review of Run, well, it’s never a good sign. For plot, basically Dempsey is a poker player who accidentally kills a guy tied to the mob in an underground card game, and then he’s off. Run! Run far away from this one.
3. The Grand (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: 44%)
For the most part, The Grand wasn’t THAT bad. It benefi ts greatly from lowered expectations, however. Think of it as a poor man’s Waiting for Guffman that happens to involve poker. Not saying that we’d ever actually watch this movie again, but if given the option of: a) drive a nail through our eye, or b) watch this movie again, The Grand is the fi rst fl ick on this list so far that we’d consider option “b”.
2. Maverick (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: 70%)
People often forget that Maverick is essentially a poker movie. No recap needed, you all have probably seen it (fi fteen years ago). It had Mel Gibson before he was crazy and Jodie Foster before everyone knew she was a lesbian. So while we can’t necessarily say that Maverick sucks, we can’t say it’s great either. Why? It doesn’t pass the repeat viewing test. There are some movies like The Karate Kid, Little Miss Sunshine, The Godfather (Parts I & II), Goodfellas, The Departed, Hoosiers, and Jerry Maguire that no matter at what stage your turn the movie on, you’re hooked in and gladly watching it until its over. We've had opportunities to watch Maverick on cable the past year and have passed every time. With that in mind...
1. Rounders (Rotten Tomatoes Ranking: 64%)
If you truly love poker, you're watching Rounders when you come across it on cable. Rounders really laid the groundwork for the poker boom, making the game cool to the young crowd that eventually fueled the growth of the game online. The best part: Matt Damon’s character, Mike McD, doesn’t try to win his love interest back after she leaves him. He’s just like, “Whatever… I’m going to play in the World Series of Poker.” Now how’s that for authenticity, Lucky You? No other modern poker fl ick can even touch Rounders. It sits at the Big Game and the rest are playing $2/$4 Limit.
