Wicked Chops Poker

One thing that we love at Wicked Chops Poker is a good list. There are a number of reasons for this: They’re a quick read…yet if done properly they get the point across better than a long narrative. They’re perfect material for when you’re on the crapper. They typically rank things, and we need to rank and grade more things in life.

Of the above points, #2 is the most important to us, which is why we put it in the middle. That made no sense. Anyway, when it comes to pooping, there are four types of people in this world:

• People who prefer reading books or magazines while going to the bathroom. • People who prefer reading short lists while going to the bathroom. • People who prefer to bring their wi-fi-enabled laptop with them to the bathroom and read or write. • People who just hop on the john, do their business, and leave without reading or writing anything.

The entities that comprise Wicked Chops Poker are clearly #3 people when it comes to taking a number two. In fact, this article was conceived while taking a number two. In fact, the words you are reading right now were actually typed mid-poo. What? Shut up now? You don’t want to know that? All righty.

Now, we recognize that many of you (males at least) are probably more of the #1 or #2 vein from the above list, so we hope this month’s column speaks directly to you. And if you happen to be a #4 person, perhaps we can make enough short lists in this article that even if you “drop and dash,” you can still have something quick to peruse that will put a brief smile on your face.

With that out of the way, we now proceed with our March Bluff column, one we’re pretty sure will have them thinking to themselves, “We hate these guys.” Yes, it’s the first annual “Wicked Chops Poker Articles of the Crapper Column.”

If we were in prison and heard that our cellmate was known for doing any of the below words, we’d just pull a Brooks from Shawshank Redemption and end it right then and there.

• (Victor) Ramdin’d – Yeah, probably wouldn’t be able to sit for a month after this. • (Hoyt) Corkin’d – Ouch. • (Joe) Hachem’d – I guess would be cool if you liked it rough. • (Kathy) Liebert’d – Sounds truly awful. • (Cyndy) Violette’d – Actually, this one sounds like something we might enjoy.

When we began making this list, we realized that almost all of the names had a very Blue Oyster bar from Police Academy quality to them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. • The Calling Station • The Rainbow Flop • The Back Door • Cowboys • The Rail OK, let’s stop now.

OK, we’re noticing that almost all poker terms have some sort of sexual innuendo undertone to them, which, when taken out of context, could lead people to think you’re talking about sex, and in many situations, gay sex, or as some people say, sex between two men. For example, saying, “Some loose guy with a big stack sucked me out on the river,” sounds like a night at The Rainbow Flop just as much as it does a day at the poker table. So let’s just get it over with and get all these terms out there.

• Flopping the nuts • Suck out • Big slick • Cracked • Limp in • Back door • Pocket rockets • Raise • All in • Rainbow flop • Burn and turn • Donkey (for some) • Hand (for all) • Top Pair • All Pink • Dominated • Lowball • Rack • Big stack • Small stack • Tight • Loose • Action • Top and bottom • Up and down • Straddle raise

In Bluff’s January issue, we revisited our extremely scientific player ranking system (computed by our propriety computer program, RANDY) based on five key criteria: likeability, can we make fun of the person, pop culture relevance, media coverage, and actual tournament performance. We predicted that Daniel Negreanu would end the year atop the rankings, and, while for the first time he’s not listed #1, he’s started the year strong.

1) Daniel Negreanu ( Score: 964)— Just kidding about Negreanu not being number one. Like we’d admit we were wrong about anything. A couple of little overrides in RANDY’s programming, plus a third-placed finish at the WPT Doyle Brunson North American Classic, and Daniel Negreanu is back on top in our rankings.

2) Joe Hachem (Score: 963.9)– Under normal circumstances, the Aussie would likely be number one. He’s only the fourth person ever to win the WSOP Main Event and a WPT championship. But by putting Hachem number one, we’d be admitting we were wrong about our prediction, and that’s just not gonna happen. If you have a problem with it, write a column about your own totally made up computer program that ranks poker players. Yeah, that’s what we thought.

3) Erick Lindgren (Score: 843)– Sort of speaking of Aussies, Lindgren kicked off the year by winning a $100k buy-in event at the Aussie Millions, beating a field of 18 to bank a cool million. Even by our standards, it’s not bad for a day’s work.

4) Isaac Haxton (Score: 731)– Haxton dominated the WPT Caribbean Adventure in January. Though he didn’t end up winning (he placed second), Haxton likely would’ve dropped into obscurity and never even sniffed this list if not for one thing: He’s clearly Howard Stern’s illegitimate love child. Clearly.

5) Justin “ZeeJustin” Bonomo (Score: 687)687) – The famed online poker player previously best known for playing (and winning) large MTTs using multiple accounts has turned 21 and is just killing the tournament scene. But like Mark McGwire, we’re not here to talk about the past. Mostly because we can’t remember it. Friggin’ tequila-induced week-long blackouts. What were we talking about again?