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After a trip to England (with a bit of a stop in Amsterdam), Antonio and I ended up back in Vegas where there was more poker to play. A lot happened in this chunk of time, and I felt compelled to email some friends. Someone forwarded the email to Eric Morris (the man behind the man at Bluff Magazine). Eric laughed and enjoyed. He suggested that I send it in as my article. So here it is. I wrote this in a jagged haze of jaggedness when my brain was doing a continuous loop sort of thing on the last 7 days (which now was about 15 days ago... and by the time you read this... about 30 days ago. But here it is in all its glory; I hope you enjoy it as much as Eric did).
Antonio and I left Europe where he came in third in the tourney, collecting £70,000(or about 130,000 USD). I, of course, won nothing since I never win. However, in the random high-card wars that Phil and Antonio are very fond of, I somehow upticked about $30,000. The poker tourney was in the UK, but we found some time to get to Amsterdam where we smoked a lot of pot, rode bicycles, took boat rides, and played too much internet poker (pathetic).
Other highlights... Phil won a thousand dollars when he bet Antonio what time it was. It was 12:45, as I suspected. Just showing that a guy can be stoned, filled with banana pastries, and be in a state of general disorientation but still confident enough to bet a thousand bucks on what time it is and get it right. But the real highlight of the last two weeks happened last night.
Antonio Esfandiari, Phil Laak (me), Phil Hellmuth, Jennifer Harman, Doyle Brunson, and Eric Seidel played a six-handed freezeout for 20k each, winner take all. It was for a show called Poker After Dark (a joint production between Full Tilt and NBC).
Antonio felted both Doyle and Seidel early on. Hellmuth, Harman, and Laak were all heavily outstacked by Antonio. Later Laak got all in versus Hellmuth with his Q-Q against Hellmuth’s 9-9. It was down to three.
Harman went all in and Laak made the call with 9-9. Harman’s J♦8♦ went to the wayside. (Which was strange since the J-8 suited is an uber-strong hand with lots of history... some call it the Unabomber Deluxe. Yes, I beat my own hand. Wow.)
So when it got to heads up between Laak and Esfandiari, it was probably about even money. Laak had 87,000 in chips and Esfandiari had 33,000. Yes. How can it be even money you ask? Well, Antonio is the best player in the world and I am a lowly donkey. I never win and still don’t understand why A-K unsuited can be better than K-Q suited.
I think he’d be about a 75% favorite if we had the same chips, but luckily I had him nearly 3:1 in chips... giving me a 50/50 chance of beating him.
When hand 121 was dealt, the blinds were 800-1,600. Laak was on the big blind. Esfandiari completed the bet on the small blind. At the start of the hand Laak had 87,900
and Esfandiari had 32,100. Esfandiari: Q♦10♦ Laak: A♣7♦
Laak, being the donkey he is, and petrified of playing flops with the best player in the world, decided to stick it all in with A-7.
Figuring he was ahead and knowing he is bad at post-flop play, Laak can’t be terribly faulted. If Laak were a better player, this might be a waste of talent.
Esfandiari is good. He went into the tank and explained that he knew I had something like A-7. Yes, folks, that’s right. He is that good. He told everyone present that he put me on A-7. He said that he had queen-high and that he was feeling lucky. He explained that he just felt he was going to hit.
This is unfair. It should be against the rules for a player to have a feeling that he is going to hit the flop. Apparently there is no rule against it, and players are allowed to have these feelings. So there you go. How can Laak ever overcome these things...? He has to fade a player who knows what he has, and he has to fade a player who knows when he is going to be lucky. Not fair. Just not fair.
(Editor’s note: Whenever you feel lucky, be careful. Some of the worst decisions ever start with some guy feeling lucky.)
I can’t help that my opponent was so good that he was able to announce my hand. I can’t help that I am so hopeless at poker that I would make such a huge pre-flop bet with a mere A-7. And I can’t even defend against his feeling lucky and knowing when he can outrace a better hand.
All I can do is stick it in with the best hand and then lose.
How unfair of him to know what I had. And it was especially unfair that he knew he could beat the math and call in spite of knowing that it was wrong. Just unfair. Why is everything in life so unfair?
Well, in the end, he stuck it in. Yup, the pot had...
1,600(Antonio’s small blind of 800, plus his 800 to complete the bet); 1,600 (my big blind) and my raise of 30,500; and he called his last 30,500 for a pot of 33,700 with queen-high. Just like Gus Hansen, he knows he is going to get lucky and win. It is so gross.
Of course, the flop comes K♥6♦8♦. Antonio becomes the favorite. He knew it. He knew it. He knew that he could call and just get there. So unfair. He needs a diamond, a queen, or a ten. How unfair that he is allowed to call and get this flop. I hate playing people who have gut feelings. So unfair.
When the turn came with the 8♠, no one could believe it. Where was the diamond to just make it gin? Why did Laak have to get tortured like this? It was clear to Laak at this point that something like an off-suit ten would come on the river. Something nice and salty for Laak was expected by all. Especially by the psychic Esfandiari. He knew he was going to outrun the A-7, and he knew his queen-high would come through for him.
When the river blanked off, it was over. Laak won. At this point a few things happened.
1) The casino re-ran the cameras, as no one could understand how such a genius call could go unrewarded.
Security reports that it was, in fact, fairly dealt.
2) The deck was checked for accuracy. I mean... where were all the diamonds? And
what about the queens and tens? Where were they?
Casino security also reports that the deck, in fact, was fair.
3) Antonio was running the math. Wondering if maybe he should take the psychic card out of his game.
Antonio has decided not to alter his game, as he wins millions yearly.
4) Laak was completely confused. Being a donkey, he occasionally gets a win here and there... but he could never beat these fine players and for sure he can’t beat Esfandiari heads up...
Laak is still confused and fully expects the Candid Camera crew to turn the corner any moment and explain that the whole tourney was a hoax and, in fact, he won nothing.
5) The casino gave Laak $120,000. He has counted it three times and each time he gets the same number, 120k.
6) The casino offered Esfandiari a $10 food voucher.
Esfandiari declined and went home.
So there you go, folks. That is the skinny.
If anyone out there has any idea how Esfandiari’s queen-high did not outrun Laak’s ace-high, please let me know. I am very curious.
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