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Before I get to the meat of this article, let me make
a clear and unequivocal statement: Drugs are bad. Very
bad. Lest I be accused of not being forceful enough
in my espousal of this belief, I’ll also state
the following: Hugs are better than drugs. Further,
let it be known that I prefer to get high on life. Got
it? Perfect. I’ve now absolved myself from any
responsibility that might come from your reading the
rest of this article, which in fact, is entirely pro-drug.
Yes, that’s right: I believe in drugs. And my
recent experience has only strengthened my view that
carefully chosen drugs taken in the proper dosages can
help a player endure the more brutal aspects of poker.
I’m not talking about barbiturates, mood enhancers,
sensory deadeners or anything else that alters brain
chemistry. (So get the hell off my back, Tom Cruise!)
You need your wits about you when playing poker, and
reliance on any sort of narcotic during the dire times
is a horrible way of dealing with the unfortunate realities
of the game.
But there are physical symptoms that occur when running
bad, and I should know. Because over the last few years,
as my bankroll has grown, my shortterm losses have increased
proportionally. At each stage along the way when I ran
into bad fortune, I turned to the local pharmacy for
help. For the readers of Bluff, I thought I’d
offer the benefit of my experience to show how you might
best medicate yourself following the setbacks that will
accompany your ascendancy in poker.
| Size/Circumstance
of Loss |
Symptoms |
Most
Useful Drugs |
Expected
Time to Recover |
| $500 – all disappeared
in a disastrous $5/$10 Limit session. You wouldn't
think that many beats would be possible in three
hours. |
Stomach rumbling; hints of acid reflux; a vague
homicidal impulse toward that donkey who couldn't
fold J-2 preflop because it was suited. |
Pepto-Bismol. Don't be scared of the terms 'extra-strength'
or 'value-sized'. |
24 hours; more if you drink the whole bottle.
Consult physician if normal bodily functions don't
resume within 72 hours. |
| $1,200 – gone at $2/$4
nolimit; the last 500 because of a tragic misclick
(why the hell are the 'fold' and 'call' buttons
so damn close anyway?) |
Light-headedness; shortness of breath; homicidal
impulse toward software designer. |
Tylenol (to dull the throbbing pain from your
hand, which recently punctured a plaster wall);
whatever remains from the bottle of Pepto. |
56 hours; less if you're skilled with spackle. |
| $2,170 – lost in $5/$10
no limit. You'd have lost more had you not been
ejected after suggesting that another player's good
fortune stemmed from his willingness to please goodluck
fairies, or whoever else happened to be in need. |
Localized pain around the eye and jaw; short periods
of unconsciousness. |
Peroxide; bandages; ice; more Tylenol; Pepto probably
wouldn't hurt. |
72 hours if your name and address are unlisted.
More if you said that a pixie would indeed be a
vast improvement over said player's wife. |
| $6,560 – lost as you fail
to cash in 13 consecutive satellites; the floorman
refers to you as the 'Willy Lowman of Poker'. |
Facial tics; self-directed grumbling; you sense
strangers take a wide berth as you walk by. |
Nicoderm Patch. When the hell did you start chain-smoking
anyway? Remind yourself not to take the Tylenol
by the fistful and that Pepto is not, as you recently
declared, 'the pink juice of life'. |
Recovery? Just get back to the table. That fourteenth
satellite will be the charm. You'll show that jerkoff
English major of a floorman. |
| $10,422 – the first week
of 10/25 no limit goes very poorly. |
General numbness; loss of desire for food, sex;
willingness to stand naked in the rain; for hours;
developing interest in joining a cult. |
Fresh spring water; diarrheics; |
Esteemed cult leader describes a lifetime of reflection
and prayer. But that would interfere with Wednesday's
$5/$10 game, which you can crush. You should be
fine by then; that is, if the damned bowel restriction
ever clears. |
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