The First Annual Wicked Chops Poker Awards

It’s possible we’ve had a “First Annual Wicked Chops Poker Awards column before. However, it’s hard to recall for sure. Honestly, when you’ve written about four zillion words about the poker world in the past three years, and have young children, AND drink yourself into a coma nightly… well, one’s memory tends to slip a little.

Unfortunately, poker does not have (yet) an annual awards gala similar to the ESPYs, Grammys, Academy Awards, or AVNs. Why poker doesn’t celebrate the “best in poker” each year is a mystery to which we have no answer. Seriously BLUFF, you guys need to get on this one. Seems right up your alley.

And yes, we know BLUFF has the People’s Choice Awards, but what the eff do “the people” know anyway? Only uppity know-it-alls like us can really make the right decision for the masses. It’s why we have an Electoral College instead of a mass popular election for the Presidency. And thank God we do. Otherwise George W. Bush would never have been elected President. America dodged a bullet with that one.

Anyway, until BLUFF poker gets off the schnide, we here at feel it’s our duty and obligation to fi ll in this gigantic void for the poker world.

As Cristoff from Truman Show would say, “Cue the sun.” On with the First (or possibly Second) (Bi?) Annual Wicked Chops Poker Awards.

Many poker players claim they play better while drunk. But poker isn’t like driving or having sex. For the most part, alcohol impairs your poker judgment and performance, or it at least turns you into a fi rst class a-hole (Exhibit A: Men the Master Nguyen vs. Erick Lindgren WPT World Poker Open this past January). However, Scotty Nguyen defi es all logic here. He’s insanely entertaining, makes saying “baby” incredibly cool, and plays some vicious poker while downing longneck after longneck. The dude even pulls off a Jerry Curl mullet. And he’s got a wife that’s not bad on the eyes. See, drinking does really make you more attractive to the opposite sex. That’s an important life lesson there for all of our female readers.

Seriously, is there any difference between these two guys? Can anyone tell them apart? If Al Krux busts out during Level 1 of a tournament, does he go back up to the cage and re-buy claiming he’s Jason Lester? No one would even question this, right?

Okay, so maybe we’re the only ones who call him by this nickname. But seriously, try saying Darrell “Deep” Dicken without laughing It’s impossible. Hopefully we turned this article in close enough to the deadline that our editor lets it slip through into the issue.

Whoa, boy. that's a funny one. Best female poker player. That's grand. Pretty sure they're all tied for last on this one.

Yeah, yeah, we know. Jennifer Harmon crushes cash games. Annie Duke is an extremely talented mixed-game player. We get it. And they’re both great. But Annette Obrestad won the WSOP Europe Main Event in dominating fashion. That makes her the one and only female (Old)World Champion. And since we’re all about labeling people (it just makes life easier), that’s all the proof we need. Long live the Queen, Annette_15.

Dragons are commonly viewed as symbols of good luck in Asia. In America, they are viewed as dominant poker players. * Not a real dragon.

There is a running joke in the NBA that Theo Ratliff should formally change his name to “Theo Ratliff’s Expiring Contract” because he (and his expiring contract) seem to have been perpetually on the trading block for the past year and are always lumped together when being referred to. In the case of Scott Clements, the same rules apply. You just can’t think of Scott Clements without thinking of the absolutely intense stare that beams from his face in every photo ever taken of him. When that boy came out of the womb, even the nurses were like, “Na’ah. Not messing with this kid. You see that stare? He’ll chop your head off.” The Intense Stare of Scott Clements once had a staring contest against Death, and Death fl inched. The Intense Stare of Scott Clements once stepped in quicksand, and the quicksand couldn’t escape and nearly drowned. We could go on for days with this.

…wait, that’s kind of creepy.

Like we said, you can’t trust “the people” to make important decisions, so we had to leave it up to us to right this grievous wrong from the 2007 BLUFF Magazine Reader’s Choice Award.