|
Buying off your wife with your winnings.
You’ve done it; you’ve convinced
your wife that you didn’t book a week at a ‘casino’,
but a family vacation at a ‘themed resort leisure
facility’. But after 19 straight hours in the
card room, your cover is blown and the only thing you
have left waiting in your hotel room is a cold shower.
Buying you wife a mortgage-busting overpriced piece
of jewelry at the hotel boutique is the only thing that
gets you two back between the sheets. But good news
– the suckers from that 19-hour game paid for
it!
Slow Playing ‘The Stone Cold Nutz’.
I know you live for the rush; but sometimes winning
a hand without having to take your blood pressure pills
feels pretty good too. This is the kind of thrill little
boys get pulling the wings off flies.
Finding a $10,000 guaranteed prize pool with
a $50 entry just 10 minutes before start time with only
25 players registered.
Thank God for the internet. Only through this pinnacle
of man’s achievements can one find such a candied
game. The next time you find a gem like this, don’t
forget to send old Bill Gates a thank you card.
Having your picture taken with your favorite
poker pro.
No one likes to admit it, but who wouldn’t
rather carry a photograph of themselves posing with
their poker hero than a picture of their snot-nosed
little brat in their wallet? I carry a picture of Evelyn
Ng in mine!
Call in sick to work because your online poker
tournament lasted until 6am.
If you haven’t experienced this guilty
pleasure, you’re simply not committed to improving
your game.
Keeping a poker bank account behind your husband’s
back.
This one is for the ladies, and I want you
to know that you are doing the right thing. If your
husband knew you were earning more playing poker than
he was at his nine to five, it would be grounds for
divorce.
Watching the 2004 WSOP for the 20th time and
calling out the cards before your friends can.
I don’t know if this is a guilty pleasure
or a plea for help. Sometimes, hobbies can go too far.
Video Taping your home game, then spending
the rest of the weekend editing it and adding commentary.
If you know what we’re talking about
here, then you need to sell your collection of Star
Wars action figures, cancel your Star Trek Fan Club
membership and find a girlfriend. News Flash: You are
a Major Geek and I hope that everyone who watches your
home video gives you a wedgie.
Watching someone talk trash at the final table
then watching them go out the next hand.
This is the poker equivalent to Nelson from
the Simpsons saying, ‘Hah Ha!’ right before
he falls into a ditch.
Sharing Bad Beat stories when you know that
yours is the absolute worst beat in amateur poker history.
This is almost as good as Slow Playing The Nutz, but
for some reason leaves everyone else wondering why you
are so proud that you had your ass handed to you so
bad.
Buying the DVD box set of TILT.
Like you can’t find enough poker on TV and you
need to send HBO, or whoever it is, even more money.
You only wish you had a nickname as cool as ‘The
Matador’.
Betting $6 on the river and your opponent folding
in front of a $900 pot.
Here is just another example of how the laws
of nature warp once you go on the internet. Bluff’s
highly trained team of physicists are researching this
phenomena; and your pledges can make a difference!
Stealing Blinds from the Short Stack.
He he he he he he he!
Bullying with the Big Stack.
He he he he he he he!
Fantasizing about the avatar next to you, even
though her name is Frank.
Actually, this ‘pleasure’ can indicate
a problem. We advise anyone that knows this pleasure
to see a psychologist immediately.
Thinking up a really cool poker nickname.
This can fill your dull days with excitement.
Remember, puppies are just for Christmas, a really cool
nickname lasts forever.
Being the first person to hear your buddy’s
‘really cool poker nickname’.
There is almost no way to tell a friend your
poker nickname without sounding like a complete loser.
But while he is thinking, “Get a life you degenerate,”
you’ll be grinning ear to ear like you just thought
up the new slogan for Coca Cola.
Watching Phil Hellmuth spaz after a bad beat.
No one can spaz-out like Phil, and as much as we like
to watch him win, we love to watch him take a bad beat.
If anyone conducted himself in grade school like Phil
does on TV, well, let’s just say he would be going
to school in the ‘special’ van rather than
on the big bus.
Convincing yourself that you could beat Doyle
Brunson heads up.
The guys that do this are the same guys that say things
like, “For $10 million I could go three rounds
with Mike Tyson”.
Sucking out the person who has just delivered
you a bad beat.
“I’m gonna get that guy, and then I’m
gonna &%$%^$#!* his *%^&^$ into the felt. I
hate than no good %&*!%^**! And I can’t wait
to pull his #@!!@$ out through his @!^@@#!!!”
Thinking you have a shot if you ever meet Shana
Hiatt.
Actually I don’t know what you mean,
why wouldn’t Shana dig me?
Inviting fish from your office to ‘a
friendly home game’.
If God plays poker, then this will land you in hell.
This is like offering ‘Jesus Juice’ to a
teenage guest at your fantasy estate.
Typing NEWBIE into the chatbox after sucking
out the newbie.
Well, he deserves it; he’s a newbie. He should
consider it a rite of passage and thank you for helping
him build character.
Over using the terms flop, set and nuts when
playing with an attractive dealer.
This actually gets better and better the more you have
to drink. Whatever you do, don’t let the dealer
in on your code words – because in your drunken
world, only you and your buddies know what you’re
really doing (wink, wink).
Ordering top shelf booze at the table, knowing
you’re about to leave.
Save this one for the casino rather than the Thursday
night game at your house.
|
