Dealing with Bad Beat Stories
I spent about one-third of 2005 at various poker events. I went from Tunica to Atlantic City to LA, to Biloxi, to Vegas. In June, I checked into the RIO, prior to the start of the World Series; and I didn’t see natural light for the next six weeks.
During those long days I got to know my card-wielding peers pretty well. As a whole, I came to view my fellow poker players as generous and convivial. Most are friendly and lively, and I like them well enough. This is not to say, however, that being around poker players always makes for a great time. In fact, some card players can really piss me at times. Here’s an example of one particularly galling interaction.
It was about three weeks into the WSOP, and I’d been reporting on the tournaments and hemorrhaging money in side games. In an elevator, a man noticed my media badge, and he immediately started in on a description of a hand that bounced him from a tournament.
“Was this yesterday’s $2,500 No Limit event?” I asked.
“No, it was a smaller tournament, at Harrah’s.”
“I had no idea they had tournaments at Harrah’s. What was the buy-in?”
“Forty dollars,” he said. Then he paused. “And there was a rebuy, so I was in for eighty.”
At that moment, my mind drifted into a fantasy wherein I grabbed this man by the throat, lifted him from the ground, and while he gasped through his constricted windpipe, I shouted, “Forty dollars! You’re telling me about a bad beat that cost you forty dollars? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you!”
But that would have been wrong – or at least criminal. As I got out of the elevator, I realized that murder, while justified in some circumstances, couldn’t be the best way to stop someone from telling a bad-beat story.
For the next several weeks I set about developing techniques for shutting people up when they wanted to whine about their bad luck. It took some work, but I think the time spent in R and D was well worth it. Because of my research, I can offer you, the readers of Bluff, the benefit of my experience. The next time someone tries to vie for your sympathy with an unwanted bad beat story, one of the following reactions should stop the tale before you even get to a description of the flop.
• Respond with joy. As soon as he starts in, interrupt him and ask, “Is this the one where you get felted? I love that story!”
• With a dead serious expression say, “I’ve got a gun. Let’s find that guy. And the dealer.”
• Ululate.
• Say, “In the Kingdom of Jehovah, there are no bad beats. Can I tell you more?”
• Do something suggestive. Nothing stops a grizzled, homophobic gambler in his tracks like an inappropriate display of sexuality. Pucker and wink. Wet your lips with your tongue, if you’re feeling naughty. If he slides you a hotel key, ask for a table change.
• Cluck.
• Ask, “Where are you from?” and when he responds, say, “Really. Can I stay with you for a while?”
• Say, “You’re not from the hospital, are you?” “No.” OK, go ahead.”
• Ball up strips of a cocktail napkin and throw the wads at his eye.
• Cough. Then utter just loud enough to be heard, “Damn TB.”
• Shriek, “No more! For the love of all things holy, NO MORE!!”
