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THE BEST LEI OF YOUR LIFE
So you’re hanging in Honolulu, Hawaii, at the
Kahala Mandarin Oriental Hotel, lei around your neck,
the ocean on one side and the Waialae Country Club (home
of the Sony Open Golf Championship) on the other, and
you’re surrounded by celebrities and a sea of
beautiful women. You’ve already partied at a rocking
luau (and slept off the hangover), enjoyed cocktails
from your private cabana at the beach, and watched a
celebrity poker tournament. At the moment, beautiful
women are bringing you drinks as you hang at Waikiki
Beach, watching a comedy show and concert headlined
by the rap legend Snoop Dogg. No, this isn’t a
dream – the alarm isn’t about to go off.
This was you closing out a classic three days at the
‘Bodog Salutes the Troops’ charity event.
Here’s what your weekend looked like…
Thursday, the event kicked off with a spectacular oceanside
luau – complete with a roast pig and an erupting
ice sculpture volcano – compliments of the weekend’s
host, Bodog.net. These guys know how to party, and this
luau proved it. Who doesn’t get off on celebrity-
watching (Colin Quinn, Estella Warren, Peter Berg, Paul
Rodriguez, and Shannon Elizabeth, to name a few who
made the weekend), fire-tossing islanders (most of whom
looked like they’d just been released by the Green
Bay Packers, only with a deep tan), and being mistaken
for the country singer Randy Travis (though I’m
actually much better looking)? And don’t forget
the cocktails, island girls and one of the most beautiful
backdrops in paradise. This secluded bay on Oahu was
so beautiful, in fact, that you are actually willing
to forget that people think you’re a weathered
country singer. Besides, maybe later in the evening
you’ll treat them to a tune or two.
Friday morning, on the day of the poker tournament,
there was the opportunity to soak in the atmosphere
of the Mandarin, allow the Polynesian paralysis (the
intense urge to nap) to set in, and even throw back
a couple of early afternoon cocktails before the day’s
events fired up. Enter Matt Savage, world-renowned poker
tournament director, and let the games begin. The game
of choice was No Limit Texas Hold’em, featuring
17 celebrities (including poker stars Josh Arieh and
David Williams), ten Bodog.net players, and over 60
U.S. troops all playing to support Uncle Sam.
After a stroll down the red carpet and a quick poker
tutorial for some of the celebrity players, the games
were under way. The tone was quickly set by our men
and women in uniform; celebrity players started dropping
like flies after only a few minutes. Having accurately
described his level of play earlier in the day as ‘awful’,
Carson Daly (Last Call with Carson Daly) was the first
casualty, and was followed shortly thereafter by a long
list of famous comrades. Eventually, the stars, both
experienced and novice players alike, all fell prey
to the aggressive
military players. Soon, the loser’s lounge was
chock full of shell-shocked celebrities, who were trying
to explain what went wrong out there. All signs pointed
to the intensity of the military players.
“I wasn’t particularly intimidated by anything
other than their focus,” said Peter Berg (director
of the hit film Friday Night Lights and the upcoming
The Kingdom) referring to the troops he played against.
“These are guys that are very friendly, very polite,
but laser-focused.” Berg, who normally plays in
a weekly game with cast and crew, probably would have
faired better at a table of actors trying to score a
gig in his next feature! Instead, he was seated across
from a marine pilot hell-bent on taking his chips. Other
celebrities found themselves in similar predicaments.
However, three stars managed to outlast the rest of
the Hollywood pack, earning a spot at the final table.
They were Jorge Garcia (Lost), Estella Warren (Planet
of the Apes) and Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie).
Of the two professional players at the tournament,
Arieh and Williams, only Arieh made it to the final
table, but both were stoked to be participating in the
weekend’s festivities. After the grueling World
Series of Poker, they were glad to be relaxing in Hawaii,
and to have the opportunity to show their support for
our servicemen and women. “If the troops weren’t
doing what they are doing for us, we might not be able
to play poker at all. We might not have that freedom
to play poker,” said Williams. Arieh was equally
excited about playing with the troops. “It’s
a chance to play and have guys that we look up to every
day look up to us,” he said.
As more and more players went out, the marines proved
to be the dominant poker strategists in the armed forces.
A sea of red marine core shirts filled the remaining
tables as the final table drew closer. But true to the
unpredictable nature of the sport, this would be no
sign of their future success. Though the marines stormed
the beach and had a major show of force early in the
tournament, when it came to taking home the hardware,
they would all fall short.
The performances of the celebrity players early in
the day provided an equally poor read of how the final
table would play out. If the first half was any indication
of things to come, a celebrity would not be the last
man standing. Then, out of nowhere came our champion
– and it wasn’t who you might think.
Throughout the day, there was a lot of debate and conversation
over the advantages that different people might bring
(aside from actual poker skill) to the table. Does it
help to be the funniest cat at the table? “No,”
as Colin Quinn (formerly of SNL) would tell you. Does
being an actor help you tune in to other peoples’
tells at the table? No, again, was the obvious answer.
The question we forgot to ask about was looks. In most
sports, looking good in warm-ups doesn’t usually
help once the game starts (I know, because otherwise
I’d be playing in the NHL right now). But looking
good in this tournament seemed to offer a tremendous
advantage, judging by the final table of celebrities.
(OK, so Jorge Garcia making the final table might screw
with that theory a bit, but he also manages to maintain
his offensive-lineman build while stranded on a desert
island on Lost. Figure that one out…)
In the end, professional poker skills, military training,
and even being well-fed lost out to beauty. Estella
Warren, the hot model/actress known for her role in
Planet of the Apes, quietly made her way through all
comers and at the final table, and took down Shane Woods
of the U.S. Army to win the tournament. Shane’s
A-4 failed to hold up against Warren’s K-Q and
pair of queens turned out to be enough to get the job
done. The model takes home the trophy.
From the location to the people involved, and especially
the cause behind the weekend – a charity event
for the Fisher House Foundation, an organization that
provides homes for military families during the hospitalization
of a loved one – it was a homerun competition.
Whether you went out first or made the final table,
the Bodog crew made sure that you had a rock star weekend.
But the fun didn’t end when the tournament was
over. Saturday night was the big comedy show and concert
at Waikiki. There were comedy performances from three
of the best comedians in the world – Wanda Sykes,
Paul Rodriguez and Colin Quinn – combined with
live music by Biff Naked and the legendary (for music,
movies and run-ins with the law) Snoop Dogg –
helped us all forget our bad beats and focus on fun.
Sunday was tougher than the other days. I sat there
in my private cabana on the beach staring out at the
ocean, knowing that soon it would all come to an end.
What would I do next weekend? Would Bodog be throwing
another party, and how could I get looped in? If not,
the celebrities would all be gone, along with the Bodog
girls and guys twirling fire sticks. How the hell would
I get back to this place – easily the happiest
place on earth? I could either gamble online at Bodog,
become a famous rapper (I actually had thoughts of exchanging
my golf clubs for a turntable), or learn to twirl fire
sticks myself (though I’m thinner and paler than
most of those Polynesian lads). Since I couldn’t
figure it all out and still haven’t, I just decided
to enjoy the moment and trudge through the day, oceanside
in my cabana. At that moment, life was as it should
be. I flipped trough the latest issue of Bluff and looked
up every so often to drink in the beautiful setting
or to grab a waiter to fetch me a Lava Flow (the tasty
Hawaiian frozen cocktail). Little did I know that, later
that evening, I would be crammed in a redeye flight
next to some swamp donkey that looked like she slept
in a tanning bed till she was 40, chewed on rocks every
day till she was 50, and embraced every possible conspiracy
theory on earth, which she gladly forced on me during
our flight, till she was 60.
I miss the Bodog girls…
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