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After a truckload of thought on the matter, I’ve reached the conclusion that billionaire Andy Beal desperately needs my help. Granted, he probably doesn’t know he needs my help – hell, he might not even know who the hell I am (yeah, I’m as shocked as you are!) – but I figured it’s high time I made my offer of assistance public. So here’s the skinny:
There is no way a man of Mr. Beal’s nearly immeasurable financial fortitude (what I like to refer to as “fuck-you money” because he has the ability to say fuck you to anyone, anywhere, with no concern of reprisal) should ever lose at anything, to anyone. Period.
Playing poker against “The Corporation” (Doyle Brunson, Todd Brunson, Jennifer Harman, Ted Forrest, Howard Lederer, Gus Hansen, Chip Reese, and Barry Greenstein) in heads-up matches under neutral conditions is a very noble undertaking, but it’s still absolute lunacy. Yes, he’s beaten them in the past, and was up a hefty chunk the last time they battled at the Wynn – that is, until they brought in their ringer, Phil Ivey; but ultimately, Beal achieving dominion over their collective skills and abilities is akin to a world-renowned neurosurgeon succeeding at the plate against a Cy Young-winning MLB pitcher. Sure, he might get lucky every once in a blue moon, but the vast majority of the time it will most certainly be a whiff fest. Please understand, I’m not trying to take anything away from Mr. Beal’s poker prowess, but let’s look at the big picture: his opponents PLAY POKER FOR A LIVING!
On the flipside, imagine if The Corporation stepped into Beal’s world to handle a multi-billion-dollar business merger. Could they pull it off? Perhaps. But if it’s my money on the line, I want Andy Beal at the helm of that transaction.
So that puts us right back to where we started: Andy Beal simply shouldn’t lose at anything to anyone. Of course, he first has to skew the contest in question to his advantage but – jeez – why the heck shouldn’t he? There’s an old saying: “Those who have the weapons make the rules.” Well, if cash were artillery, Andy Beal would have an invincible army. Having said all that, here’s my Top 10 list of methods Andy Beal can (and should) employ for his next tête-à-tête with The Corporation…
1) MASTER THE ENVIRONMENT, LITERALLY
Beal should spend two months training in a low-oxygen environment, preferably at a luxurious, custom-built Mount Everest base camp. When he’s good and ready, fly The Corporation in and commence play. If they object, suggest a neutral site, such as the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro, the tallest mountain in Africa, but very accessible at just under 6,000 meters. Maybe he can lull them into a false sense of security by first treating them to an all-expenses-paid safari.
2) ATTRACTION DISTRACTION
Beal should spend 36 to 48 hours in one of Scores New York’s VIP rooms, suffering through as many lap dances as he can stomach. Then, rent out one of Sin City’s better titty bars and hold the game there. By that point, he should be immune to the distractions. When playing Jennifer Harman, switch it up and bring in a few hunky cast members from the male review Thunder Down Under.
3) PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE
Beal should get fitted with undetectable miniature ear plugs, the kind often used by Black Ops specialists. Hold the game in a large sound studio and pump in a steady assortment of raucous noise, including acid rock, the mating sounds of cats and guinea pigs and, my personal favorite, the soundtracks from early-80’s XXX films.
4) THE CARDS DON’T LIE
Beal should purchase the company that manufactures the playing cards and devise a marking pattern for the cards’ backs that only he will recognize.
5) VICTORY THROUGH SUPERIOR FIREPOWER
Occasionally, a show of force is the best way to accomplish your goals. I happen to know a few mercenaries who recently returned from a Bin Laden hunting expedition (empty-handed, unfortunately) and are looking for work. If Beal shows up with them as his “escorts,” I think it’d be extremely helpful. Even better, make The Corporation play at gunpoint. Very tough to draw to a gutshot straight while staring down the barrel of an Uzi!
6) SKY’S THE LIMIT
Beal should custom-fit a 747 for the game and replace the original pilot with a welltrained stunt pilot. Instruct the new pilot to pull off a series of hair-raising aerobatic maneuvers. While the plane is being put through its paces, Beal should then casually reveal to The Corporation that he is wearing a parachute – the only one on the plane!
7) THE BIG BANG THEORY
Beal should hire the Grucci Brothers, or some other world-class pyrotechnic company, and have them do an explosive, multihour show over the home of his opponent the night before the match. For best results, begin at 2am or 3am. Repeat for each subsequent match.
8) THE SYMPATHY CARD
Beal should bring in 50 kids from the Make-A-Wish Foundation and, prior to the start of each match, announce that all his profits will be going to charity. The children should be instructed to moan and cry whenever he loses a pot.
9) REVERSE SCREW
Beal should covertly plant the seeds on the poker airwaves that there’s huge money being wagered on The Corporation. Then, buy off one of their members and have him convince the others to tank their matches and cash in on the money being wagered on Beal. By the time they learn the truth, the damage will be done.
10) DIVINE INTERVENTION
Beal should simply buy God. That should make all river prayers go his way. A tough proposition, you would think, but according to Perry Shenkman, an ex-professional wrestler and current Sin City rounder, “While I’m not sure what religion God is, his lawyer is DEFINITELY Jewish.” And since I’m a member of that tribe, I know for a fact that a deal can be brokered.
If all else fails, Mr. Beal should just drop me a line. I’ll gladly team up with him against The Corporation. Anyone want to cover my buy-in?
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