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I confess that I sometimes play like an ass. As a limit Hold’em specialist, I can be found grinding away at the limit tables for six to ten hours at a stretch. In case you didn’t know it already, let me fill you in on something: Limit Hold’em is freaking boring after a while.
My solution to boring poker is this: Screw with people. I’ve put together a list of stunts to pull at the poker table that are guaranteed to put some professionals and nearly every amateur player on tilt. Why do this? Because undue emotion experienced by other players is good for you. They go on tilt, make bad plays, and you get paid. Plus, it is so very entertaining. If you think this violates some gentleman’s code or something, then stop reading now. Oh, and also, fuck you. There is nothing noble or gentlemanly about trying to take someone else’s mortgage payment to make your car payment. It is not a knitting circle; it is a war fought on felt. Now, that I got that off my chest, these will get you started, and then you can add some of your own:
WINNING BY MISTAKE:
The next time you take down a hand with a set, just show your hand quietly and wait for the chips to be pushed toward you. Then say, “Oh crap, I have a set! Sorry man, I thought I was bluffing you.”
Ass Factor: 3
OPPOSITE PLAY:
Do this at a tight table. Let’s say you see other players are playing premium hands and fairly tight after the flop. You will piss off more people with this than any other method. Before the flop, characterize all of your hands as premium, middle, or trash hands. In opposite play, before the flop, raise with trash hands and limp with everything else. Have 8-3 off-suit? Hell, yeah, you are raising! A-K suited? Limp, baby, limp! Do so until you get a reputation for being a complete maniac, and then switch gears to a tighter, standard style. There are few things more satisfying than hearing the guy with second-best hand say, “A straight! Do you always raise in first position with that crap? Four-seven off-suit, God help me.”
Ass factor: 4
ROOKIE PLAY:
Act like you have never played before. Look over at someone riffling their chips and say, “Cool, how do you do that?” Try and check pre-flop when the action comes to you. When the dealer tells you can’t check, raise. Pepper the game with questions like, “How much do I have to bet?” or “Am I allowed to raise?” When you play this way, beware that you will not be able to bluff, because people will not give you credit for having a hand. For the same reason, when you do have a hand, your payoffs will be substantial. If you can muster up the balls to ask, “Does all of one color win anything?” then give yourself one more Ass point.
Ass Factor: 3
THE GIVEAWAY:
Give up your hand strength when you have the nuts. Why? Because no one will believe you the first time you do this. Imagine you flop the nut straight. You say aloud, “Awesome! Just flopped the nuts!” and then bet out. What do you think happens? I’ll tell you: You will get raised by anyone with a hand. Because to the other players, there is no way you actually have the nuts. When you win, the other players may bitch and moan about how it’s not fair to reveal your hand. Your reply? Try maniacal laughter.
Ass factor: 3
ANNOYING RAISE VALUE:
When playing no limit, always raise by odd amounts. If the big blind is 200, don’t raise to 600 or 800. Raise to 625 or 775. Why? It annoys the crap out of people.
Ass factor: 1
DÉJÀ VU:
Start telling a poker story that begins with, “You won’t believe this, but it is true. One time (fill in a detailed description of a hand you JUST played and crushed someone with at your table).” Someone will say, “Dude, that just happened.” Then you say, “Yeah, it was so great I wanted to relive it right away.”
Ass Factor 3-4 (depending on how long and painful the story is)
BLIND MAN’S BLUFF:
Those of you who play limit or play with a high percentage of amateur players will see players check their cards immediately as they receive them. So this sets you up for a little bit of business that can be especially aggravating under the right circumstances. When you get your cards, secretly take a quick peek at them under the pretense of sliding them toward you. It takes very little practice to do this as the other players are looking at their cards anyway. When the action comes around to you, say, “Oh hell, I’ll just call (or raise) in the blind.” Of course you are not blind. This is best reserved for when you have a monster like K-K or A-A. Now, you will drive opponents nuts when the play continues with you reraising post-flop “in the blind.” When you reveal your winner, the loser will either think you are very lucky or realize you played with his head. Either way, you accomplish your objective of tilting him in an entertaining way.
Ass Factor: 2
Now, don’t get me wrong. You will not be liked. Chances are, when you leave the table, at least one person will say something like, “Oh my God, could you believe that guy? He was a complete ass. I can’t stand players like that!” Mission accomplished. You made that player think of something besides how best to play cards. Besides that, it was fun.
FINAL WORD:
To pull this crap you need to have a solid game. Don’t think using these Ass Factor techniques is a replacement for real skill. These ideas are meant to augment your talent, not replace it. As long as you can maintain control of this bit of mischief, you will add more to your bankroll and have fun doing it. Take it from me; I am the biggest ass I know. Cheers!
Richard Taylor can be found lurking as “Dictator” on the Bluff Forum and lays claim to the title “Ruler of the Land of the Donkeys.”
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