Ask Clonie

Dear Clonie,
I work and my boyfriend plays poker. He quit work about a year ago to live his dream, but his dream has become my nightmare. He is out until all hours of the night, and when I call he doesn’t always answer. He is often in a horrible mood and takes it out on me. I called him the other night while he was playing, and he said I caused him to lose the pot. I am trying to be supportive, but I am fed up. Any suggestions?
— Cindy

Cindy,
I wrote an article on relationships a while back that I think might help. I wish I could give you more advice on men and poker, but understanding them at the table is much easier than understanding them when you are in a committed relationship.

I am always trying to find the balance between family and poker, and I know a lot of you struggle with the same issue. For the serious player with a significant other, the poker lifestyle can be a real challenge. Here are some recommendations ? for both player and partner ? to help you make poker compatible with the rest of your life.

1. Don’t punish your partner over your bad play or bad luck. Let it go when you walk away from the table. Take time to cool off if you need it. Snapping at your partner isn’t good for anyone.

2. Don’t lie about wins or losses. Remember, you’re incredibly lucky if you found someone who supports your dreams. If the money in play makes your partner nervous, sit down and discuss a business plan that works for both of you. Talk honestly about the pros and cons of serious poker, and don’t even consider going pro until you can cover all of your bills for at least six months.

3. If you make plans with your partner, don’t play that day. If you get stuck or if a sucker sits at your table, you aren’t going to want to leave, and feelings are going to get hurt. Believe me.

4. If you’re traveling the circuit, be courteous and answer your phone. It’s hard enough on your other half when you’re out of town. There’s no need to make your partner wonder who you’re with or what you’re doing.

5. Remember, there’s life outside of poker. If you can remember a hand you played five years ago, then it’s not too much to ask to remember your mate’s birthday.

1. If your future champion walks through the door looking a little grey, don’t ask, “Did you win?” Just back off and give some space. Sometimes a player just needs to analyze what happened and, maybe, replay a few hands mentally. The last thing he or she wants to do is disappoint you by talking about a big loss.

2. Poker players don’t change. If you don’t try to understand a player’s fascination with the game, your relationship is going to see some very tough times. Andy Bloch, for example, has an incredibly supportive girlfriend (soon to be wife). Once she started dating Andy, she realized that if the relationship was going to work, she’d have to adapt to his travel schedule. You know what she did? She started a website called PokerWire. For a time, she traveled everywhere with Andy, reported on chip counts, and interviewed players. Now, Jennifer is back in school and Andy has moved to be with her, supporting her choice.

3. Don’t be quick to assume the worst. If your poker pro doesn’t come home until 5am, you can bet it is because of being stuck in some game or that a favorite fish walked in the door. Most poker players are honorable people. They might bluff an opponent, but they don’t bluff in life. We are weird that way. So, unless you have a reason to think your pro is up to no good, give the benefit of a doubt.

4. A player can’t choose the day or time that a sucker will be at the table; it could be on Thanksgiving or Christmas - or even on your birthday. If we get a phone call that “Rammin’ Jammin’ John” is in town, there’s nothing that’s gonna stop us... except a car wreck because we were speeding to get to the game.

5. If you want to learn how to play the game, your partner may not be the best teacher. It’s hard to teach someone who has never played, and it will be frustrating for both of you. So get some books on poker, and start reading. Then play online at the lower limits to practice what you’ve learned. And you might even consider whether someone else has more patience to teach you than your mate does.

I hope y’all enjoyed this one and, remember: Bad beats make for lousy pillow talk.